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The Day I Won the Ms. Universe Pageant
A textmate once asked me what makes me enter (or leave) a relationship. Had he asked me years before, I would have given him a different answer. But he asked me when I was already old enough to think about growing old.
Gazing at the mirror on the ceiling, my ex asked what will happen to 'us' if we each pursue our own dreams. We both had plans of working abroad. I told him, I don't know. I suggested we wait and see. The truth was I didn't want to think that time, especially about 'us'.
The textmate's question reminded me of me and my ex in the small room that night and the few months after when I decided to break up with the ex. Everything was okay but I never imagined myself growing old with him. There was no image of me and him seated on a porch on our rocking chair on a moonlit night. Although the present was all fun, I didn't see a future. I never told him that. I gave him the its-not-you-its-me speech.
I told the textmate that whenever I see a good chance* (certainty is fiction) that I can grow old with a person, I commit to that person. Whenever I no longer see a future, I end things. I phrased my answer as if I was a candidate in the Ms Universe pageant - with smiles, waves and all. The text reply I sent him instantly gave me 10,000 pogi points! He later told me that it was his cue to take me seriously. We now live and dream together.
Some people want something casual. Some don't even want to grow old. I was just lucky we want the same thing.
* Assessing if there is a chance deserves a separate blog entry.